Mourning my loss

I AM NOT OKAY!!


Im not quite sure if I should abandon the blog or not...im contemplating it, coz frankly there is nothing to write about anymore, especially surrounding the title of it.


Yesterday, i lost my baby...my lil black dot... and even though it wasnt fully formed, it was my baby, that just disapeared just like that.


Here's how the day went...


I woke up that morning with bleeding, and knowing its not a good sign, i decided to go see the doctor. I called him, he advised me to be there at 9. I knew that moment that things were not okay, baby T was not okay. But being me, i shrugged it off and made my way over there.


there was about 2 people before me, and as i sat waiting to hear the fate of my baby, i couldnt help but talk to her. the words still ringing in my head, "dont worry baby T, you ok, you'll be such a pretty baby, ima take good care of you."


And even though i knew she wasnt fully formed, i love her, she became my reason for believing, for reason to smile.


Anyway, when it was my turn to go in, my stomach started turning as if i was on a rollercoaster, i suddenly felt all wobbly and jelly-like. I knew something wasnt right.


This is how the convo went with my Doc:


I woke up this moring bleeding and I dont know if its normal


"No its not normal" (he picks up the phone and tells Priscilla to get me on the scanner right away...)


Im shivering by then, he didnt look to assuring, too happy either


I wait for him in the scanning room, so many thoughts run through my head, all the what ifs and how comes fill me with emptiness...


By the time he appeared my heart had sunken into a state of depression.


Quickly i hopped on the bed, he applied the gel and started the scan


After a while he looks at me with the saddest face ever,


"I dont have very good news for you, its clear that you had a miscarriage"


When i heard those words, my heart fell, i couldnt stop the tears from rolling, i couldnt stop the hurt, the pain i was feeling, its my fault, how could i let this happen.


He gives me a hug and tells me


"Come in on saturday, we'll do the scan again, theres still some residual tissue left but im not sure if it can still make it, lets see on saturday,"


Not even those words were comforting... nothing could comfort me now...


I couldnt wait to get out of that place. I head for my car, tears now visibly rolling and speed off... at that moment i was so mad so upset I almost ran a woman over.


I needed someone, anyone


I head up to a friend, run to the bathroom, and right there fall to the floor, I couldnt help myself... I just couldnt help feeling so worthless and empty.


I just wanted my baby back...


The physical pain through the rest of the day, was nothing compared to the emotional turmoil my heart was going through. It felt like daggers stabbign into my heart, still does.


What did I do to deserve that????


The tears just dont stop, the pain is still too real.


I still love my lil black dot, and someday i'll be ok but right now, its a far and distant cry...